My vulnerability manifesto

Bitches be crazy.

We hear it all the time. And perhaps we are. Or perhaps we’re just wired differently— emotionally, and sometimes we’re not so great at articulating our emotions.

Well, I gotta admit, I’ve certainly felt crazy these last few days.

It all started with my meltdown on the 4th of July.  Ready for this?

My fiancé, Fonz and I were out running the town on July 3rd— Whistle Pig whiskey, followed by World Cup festivities, followed by more Whistle Pig, finished off with an intimate dinner party (and more Whistle Pig). As you can imagine, we were in rather poor form on July 4th, so we decided to take it easy—  grill out by the pool and nurse our hangover.

Sounds lovely right? Wrong. That’s when the crazy began.

Out of absolutely no where came this surge of anger. I began stomping around the house, slamming doors and banging pots and pans. I even instructed Fonz to get out of my line of fire because I was “in a mood.”

Moments later, realizing I was off my rocker, I proceeded to apologize and explain myself. When I outright burst into tears. And it dawned on me, I wasn’t actually mad at all. I was feeling sad. And overwhelmed. And frustrated. And defeated.

Truth be told, I reject sadness. I stuff it away—  and I’m not generally a stuffer. I’m a confrontational, let’s pull shit up and deal with it sort of woman. The thing is, I pride myself on my positivity, fortitude and determination. I feel lit up when people tell me to jump down from the clouds—

No way. I’m up up here with Mary f*cking Poppins, and it’s glorious! Come join me in my high-vibin’ idealism!

The thing is, I equate sadness to self-pity, helplessness, and defeat. It feels weak and powerless. Anger on the other hand, feels much more comfortable. It feels powerful and action-oriented— it’s my go-to emotion when I’m feeling down.

Really? What a load of horseshit.

Ultimately, it’s vulnerability that I’m shying away from. Sadness prompts vulnerability. And that is down right terrifying.

But Ralph Waldo Emersom tells us,

“Always do what you are afraid to do.”

And I’m always up for a challenge. So here goes it.

My vulnerability manifesto.

Even though I’m a Certified Health Coach who blogs about best practice, optimal performance and holistic health, I by no means have this shit figured out. I too have garbage days and occasionally train-wreck weeks.

Now I could certainly blame this week’s meltdown on a multitude:

• I could blame the running air guitar slide which tore my patellar tendon resulting in two months off my yoga mat.
• I could blame the excessive boozing that ensued throughout those two months of recovery.
• I could blame prematurely returning to my mat and aggravating a herniated disc.
• I could blame the ridiculous sky-diving injury that induced the herniated disc in the first place (another story for another time).
• I could blame the alcohol-to-the-face that has taken place in order to medicate the frustration of bed rest and waddling like a penguin.
• I could blame the struggles of a start-up business— the missed family vacations, the debt-load, the 70-hour start-up work weeks.

Or, I could just cry.

Bet you’d never guess that’s exactly what I was doing before I took this shot. I was crying. Like, all-in, ugly-crying— until there were no tears left.

And ladies, I can’t tell you how empowered I felt afterwards! What a serious release. After allowing myself the experience of sadness, I was free to get on with the healing.

I concluded I was seriously out of balance with my giving and receiving cycle. I’d been asking and receiving in excess— of my body, of my friends, of my love and of the Universe. But I hadn’t been giving enough.

So it’s time to give. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Here’s the plan:

1. Physically– Schedule a chiropractic apt. and hire a postural specialist. Check.
2. Emotionally– Giveaway 30-days of Keto Health Coaching. (Winner chosen 7/10).
3. Financially– Offer $100 support to a former coworker suffering from cancer. ❤️
4. Spiritually– Commit to 6 months of sobriety- for my mother, for my mind. Begun.

The thing is, there is always more to give— to ourselves or to others, right? And according to science, giving gifts allows us to produce happiness neurochemicals. And I’m all kinds of comfortable with feeling happy.

Ready to get high on happiness with me? Who’s in?